What in the hell just happened?

I can't run away boy
I can't run away
I'm telling you I can't run away
From what I am feeling
Feeling baby I can't run away
I think I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna love you
Until I can't love you no more

I'm a damn fool. Falling in love again, with a Volturi guard no less. We spent all day and night talking to each other yesterday. He can do this thing where he just pops up wherever he wants to go and its rather quite frightening but I'm starting to feel a bit more at ease with it. We went to a beach in Sicily and we built sandcastles, made a memory with that one I've never built one before. We walked and I swam in my undergarments ha! But it was just a beach and it was just the sea it would have been nothing without him and that silly girl. We kissed and rolled in the sand. He asked me in a roundabout way if I wanted to stay here, if I wanted to stay with him. He did tell me his duty is to the guard first and he is tied to Volterra for an eternity so he can't travel as much, he can't give me the attention I need, and the relationship I need whatever the hell that means. I told him I'm not going anywhere right now. Now after another night with him I'm staying at his flat (Renata and Santiago are currently at war over shoes and cellophaned cars) he's giving me his bedroom and pretty much let me move right into his life with no questions asked. We talked about some of the harder stuff, he asked about Randall, I told him most of the story and left it as he got mean and left he doesn't need to hear that I don't want to think it. We talked about the Forks fiasco and he told me he would've protected me from his family would've we gone into battle. I think Felix would've had me in pieces with two quick swipes before Corin knew I existed. The rest was pleasant talk and he held me and I won't lie that it is the best thing I've felt since I was human.

Now here is where my head kicks in and confuses me telling me what a fool I am. My history with love hasn't been the best and I mean though the most recent was the worse it wasn't the first time I loved someone. I came into this world holding on to someone I loved, who loved me for me the only one that loved me besides Jace. What does this mean to him? Collin died in that alleyway just as I should have! I'm not supposed to do this! I told myself I wouldn't do this, I promised myself. I mean a Volturi guard? I was raised to hide from the law not embrace it. If they had the first idea of how I acted when I was made, no idea of rules I was supposed to be obeying. How would he feel if he knew how I acted? How would his father feel? Would he turn his head down as they judged me and I was sentenced to die for my newborn crimes? You won't hear me asking him. He looks at me like I'm everything when I'm nothing. I don't understand how I can be so special to him. And will I just sit in a house day in and out till we all disappear. Will I be considered Volturi? Can I stop performing music all over the world? I can do that... yeah I can do that no one can take music away from me whether it be performing to the world or the mirror I can be satisfied with either. But stay still? I know I always wanted to just settle down but can I settle down? I hate anything permanent any kind of real commitment, can I just stay? I know I can't leave him right now, he seems to need me just as much as I need him. I feel like I'm sucking the happiness right out of him like a drug. Being emotionally handicapped doesn't help either, I can't express one damn word effectively when I want to. He probably thinks I'm a silly giggling crazy fool of a girl, hmph I sure do.