Starting over with a new blog.... http://musicalmary.wordpress.com/

I hear violins...

Young girl in the market
Music to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market of above

And she sings
'They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

A week has passed in America and there is much to be said. I spent Monday thinking by the ocean. It's always been able to calm me down and clear my head when I look out onto the waves. I thought about everything over and over and over again. Then I tried to tell myself I could do it I tried over and over to convince myself that it would be fine and eventually if I pretended to be happy long enough it would come true. When things really came down to it though I couldn't be happy there and I never would. I wish he wasn't so tied down.. why does this always happen to me? Because I always put my heart out there and fall for all the wrong things. He was perfect except that one thing and that one thing broke everything.... everything. I called him. I told him everything and it broke me to pieces. I broke down in front of Charlotte. I usually don't show anyone my weak side. I don't like being broken, I don't like being cruel and breaking such a perfect boy's heart when he treated me like I was the sun and he was my moon. I wrote him a letter. I had to try... try to make him understand that I DO love him and I DID want to marry him. But our love wasn't pure, we both wanted things from each other that the other couldn't give. So it's over.. I want everything to call him and hold him and talk to him again but I can't I can't change.

I've put my shield up and I'm not letting anyone see inside. I'm strong enough to get through this as I have had to before. I push it down and don't let it out and I avoid being alone by any reason necessary. I've met a new friend here in Vegas, well he's from New York City but he came here, he's been a true silver lining in this darkness. He is Romani like me and he plays the violin beautifully. We've talked a lot the past few days and it has felt good to be with one of my own. He's brought the music out in me again, though opening the case again was more emotional then I expected. There was something in there, something hidden from Corin. Small and really not all that significant I grabbed it and ran to the bathroom so Thanh wouldn't see me. I turned on all the water and the fan and held the small stuffed animal letting it out for awhile. I spent three hours in there until I picked myself up off the floor and composed myself. I went straight out determined to release this energy into something that would make it beautiful, music. It's the only thing that consistently makes me happy and no matter how sad or happy the song is it's always beautiful.

I will get through this.... thankfully I am surrounded by good friends, family, and I have my silver lining giving me a reason to smile.

I have arrived in America and already there has been some chaos and turmoil. Thanh and I arrived and went for a quick meal before meeting up with Leicester and going for some real food. It wasn't my usual choice for a snack but I was still a bit thirsty and the ladies seemed to be all for it. After the drink we went to a club in town and the minute we walked in we were overwhelmed with a horrible smell, I've smelled it before when I was at the Cullen's home, wolves. Leicester and Thanh decided to go and say hello and rile them up a bit while I stayed stiffly behind them knowing how bad it could be if an altercation occurred in the club. Long story short, we argued and we left before Paul decided to go puppy in front of the whole place. They didn't follow us thankfully, I really wouldn't want to get into an altercation with a shape shifter so soon after arriving to my destination. Corin freaked out a little bit about it when I told him but he calmed when I told him I was ok.

We headed back to Leicester's house to lay low for awhile and Thanh texted Malakai to let him know we were in town. They had just got to Seattle and had found Charlotte so they came and met up with us. We said our goodbyes to Leicester and headed to a vacant house closer to downtown Seattle. While Malakai caught Thanh up on what happened Charlotte and I caught up on a few things. It's very nice to be with friends again. I am starting to feel very much at ease, the phrase home is where the heart is rings all to true in my ears and I feel it in every ounce of my being. Charlotte and I slipped out for some fresh air to clear our minds, which backfired into us airing out our problems with our men. I feel bad for what she's going through. It's so horrible to be left behind without her other half. I hate to see my friends in pain.

I do have a lot to think about when it comes down to Corin and I. Thanh and Charlotte have opened my eyes to a few things that need to be seriously considered before I jump into this very permanent lifestyle. As it stands I want him to leave with me and travel from place to place. He wants me to settle down in Italy and become Mary housewife I guess. It also helps nothing that almost his entire family thinks I'd better off dead then marry Cor. I have ever so much to think about and I'm lucky I have my friends here to help me along the away. Love you all dearly, I am going for a walk so I can do some thinking and possibly clear my head.

Surreal Happiness, a home to call my own

So much has happened since I spent the time to write in here last. Ok where to start, well I got vamp napped by my ex last week and almost killed. It was great fun. Not! I made it out alive thanks to Renata and her brothers but mainly her cause she's the only one who gave a shit what was going on. I got another scar from that bastard. Funny how I manage 300 some years without one damn bite mark and a couple months with Corin I manage to get 2. Whatever. So we came back home and of course Cor was freaking out but I would be too. He really wouldn't let me move much for like three whole days, it kinda sucked. I was totally going stir crazy but I really liked our alone time. We talked a lot and I didn't know he could actually talk that much, I must be rubbing off on him :). I had planned to ask him to marry me on Monday night, I had something big planned but obviously that didn't work out so I proposed to him in our room, half broken. He said yes and we set a date, June 21st, brightest day of the year. So wedding plans yay! Ren is ecstatic and so are many of our friends. There's a few of friends that are rather surprised about it though. Recently a few nomads got twitters. One named Thanh saw me at one of my concerts a few years back and remembered who I was. She thinks I'm fucking insane lol. I can't say I don't fit the bill. I was quite the um rocker before I met Corin. I'm not one to sit still and not be in the scene having a good time.

Speaking of Thanh, her and Malakai got me missing nomad life something terrible. So somehow she convinced Cor to let me go to the states for a few weeks to get a last run in before I get a leash. Ugh I hate that term. Leash. Yuck. On that note I'm going shopping with Thanh to get some things to uh make sure my man doesn't forget me while I'm in the states. I promise promise promise I will blog more. I need to get on here more I'm so sorry.

Rest in Peace My Friend 1982-2009

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Today I grieve the loss of many things. I've lost so much in this life and gained so little in comparison to show for my existence. My sorrow for Joo has quickly been replaced with resentment for her choices. Her death lays on my hands alone as it should have from the day I met her. She was the only person in my many years since Jace to truly understand me and remains the only person to know everything about me. I will truly miss her. I managed to save one life that night and though I fear I will never feel his love again I can exist knowing he is still living. I cannot express the regret I have for putting him through this and the hate he now he feels for me. The way he looked at me before he left showed me that he would never feel the same about me. I've never seen him so emotionless. He;s right I should have kept on running before and never looked back but living without a heart is more painful than living with a broken one. I am unfeeling and completely alone in this world without my heart and soul. So without a purpose I find myself wandering Europe with the one thing I have left, an odd thing for him to give me, an ipod. As I lay on our beach yesterday I heard my love behind me for the shortest fraction of a second and I turned to find the replica of the ipod we bought together when we first met. All the music from my laptop uploaded on it already and a quite a selection I'd never heard before. I planned to suffer in silence but I cannot deny music especially if it was from him, it will be the only thing that keeps me existing now as I walk through the hell I've created.

Long time no Write

Sorry I have been neglecting you lately I really do mean to write in here more often but a turn of events sent me spiraling into chaos and I just haven't had the time. So let's see 6 days ago.... ah yes I had become close to catatonic. I was feeling very... depressed I guess is the appropriate term. I was happy to be with Corin don't get me wrong but not traveling and being in a place I don't feel comfortable in took it's toll. Corin of course noticed because I was doing absolutely nothing and I'm sure I'd changed. He spent a couple days with me and with his suggestion I decided to get back into the concert circuit which I missed my band and fans dearly. I left for my show Wednesday night and I drove to Venice. I spent some time practicing with the band and went back to the hotel room with Joo. I was having a blast I won't lie. I did miss Corin deeply but it was as if I shocked myself back into life. Well I was careless and forgot my phone charger ... go figure. So after I got done with the show and the signing I headed back to the hotel to change and freshen up. I checked my email and noticed one from Cor. He went away on some super justice league retrieval mission with Demetri for Aro. I was not impressed and completely worried automatically of course. So instead of inflicting that onto a bunch of mundanes at the after party I went home and waited... and waited. Ren came over to keep me company or keep me from being stupid I'm not exactly sure. 36 hours had past and no Corin and they decide to finally go look for him... but won't let me come with. I was furious and devestated to say the least. But they found him and we talked his entire flight home and I was relieved to have him next to me again. My heart returned home to me. He insists however on doing things on his own while he is injured and I am taking care of him. Well back to duty I'll write soon I promise!