I hear violins...

Young girl in the market
Music to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market of above

And she sings
'They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

A week has passed in America and there is much to be said. I spent Monday thinking by the ocean. It's always been able to calm me down and clear my head when I look out onto the waves. I thought about everything over and over and over again. Then I tried to tell myself I could do it I tried over and over to convince myself that it would be fine and eventually if I pretended to be happy long enough it would come true. When things really came down to it though I couldn't be happy there and I never would. I wish he wasn't so tied down.. why does this always happen to me? Because I always put my heart out there and fall for all the wrong things. He was perfect except that one thing and that one thing broke everything.... everything. I called him. I told him everything and it broke me to pieces. I broke down in front of Charlotte. I usually don't show anyone my weak side. I don't like being broken, I don't like being cruel and breaking such a perfect boy's heart when he treated me like I was the sun and he was my moon. I wrote him a letter. I had to try... try to make him understand that I DO love him and I DID want to marry him. But our love wasn't pure, we both wanted things from each other that the other couldn't give. So it's over.. I want everything to call him and hold him and talk to him again but I can't I can't change.

I've put my shield up and I'm not letting anyone see inside. I'm strong enough to get through this as I have had to before. I push it down and don't let it out and I avoid being alone by any reason necessary. I've met a new friend here in Vegas, well he's from New York City but he came here, he's been a true silver lining in this darkness. He is Romani like me and he plays the violin beautifully. We've talked a lot the past few days and it has felt good to be with one of my own. He's brought the music out in me again, though opening the case again was more emotional then I expected. There was something in there, something hidden from Corin. Small and really not all that significant I grabbed it and ran to the bathroom so Thanh wouldn't see me. I turned on all the water and the fan and held the small stuffed animal letting it out for awhile. I spent three hours in there until I picked myself up off the floor and composed myself. I went straight out determined to release this energy into something that would make it beautiful, music. It's the only thing that consistently makes me happy and no matter how sad or happy the song is it's always beautiful.

I will get through this.... thankfully I am surrounded by good friends, family, and I have my silver lining giving me a reason to smile.