Starting over with a new blog.... http://musicalmary.wordpress.com/

I hear violins...

Young girl in the market
Music to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market of above

And she sings
'They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

A week has passed in America and there is much to be said. I spent Monday thinking by the ocean. It's always been able to calm me down and clear my head when I look out onto the waves. I thought about everything over and over and over again. Then I tried to tell myself I could do it I tried over and over to convince myself that it would be fine and eventually if I pretended to be happy long enough it would come true. When things really came down to it though I couldn't be happy there and I never would. I wish he wasn't so tied down.. why does this always happen to me? Because I always put my heart out there and fall for all the wrong things. He was perfect except that one thing and that one thing broke everything.... everything. I called him. I told him everything and it broke me to pieces. I broke down in front of Charlotte. I usually don't show anyone my weak side. I don't like being broken, I don't like being cruel and breaking such a perfect boy's heart when he treated me like I was the sun and he was my moon. I wrote him a letter. I had to try... try to make him understand that I DO love him and I DID want to marry him. But our love wasn't pure, we both wanted things from each other that the other couldn't give. So it's over.. I want everything to call him and hold him and talk to him again but I can't I can't change.

I've put my shield up and I'm not letting anyone see inside. I'm strong enough to get through this as I have had to before. I push it down and don't let it out and I avoid being alone by any reason necessary. I've met a new friend here in Vegas, well he's from New York City but he came here, he's been a true silver lining in this darkness. He is Romani like me and he plays the violin beautifully. We've talked a lot the past few days and it has felt good to be with one of my own. He's brought the music out in me again, though opening the case again was more emotional then I expected. There was something in there, something hidden from Corin. Small and really not all that significant I grabbed it and ran to the bathroom so Thanh wouldn't see me. I turned on all the water and the fan and held the small stuffed animal letting it out for awhile. I spent three hours in there until I picked myself up off the floor and composed myself. I went straight out determined to release this energy into something that would make it beautiful, music. It's the only thing that consistently makes me happy and no matter how sad or happy the song is it's always beautiful.

I will get through this.... thankfully I am surrounded by good friends, family, and I have my silver lining giving me a reason to smile.

I have arrived in America and already there has been some chaos and turmoil. Thanh and I arrived and went for a quick meal before meeting up with Leicester and going for some real food. It wasn't my usual choice for a snack but I was still a bit thirsty and the ladies seemed to be all for it. After the drink we went to a club in town and the minute we walked in we were overwhelmed with a horrible smell, I've smelled it before when I was at the Cullen's home, wolves. Leicester and Thanh decided to go and say hello and rile them up a bit while I stayed stiffly behind them knowing how bad it could be if an altercation occurred in the club. Long story short, we argued and we left before Paul decided to go puppy in front of the whole place. They didn't follow us thankfully, I really wouldn't want to get into an altercation with a shape shifter so soon after arriving to my destination. Corin freaked out a little bit about it when I told him but he calmed when I told him I was ok.

We headed back to Leicester's house to lay low for awhile and Thanh texted Malakai to let him know we were in town. They had just got to Seattle and had found Charlotte so they came and met up with us. We said our goodbyes to Leicester and headed to a vacant house closer to downtown Seattle. While Malakai caught Thanh up on what happened Charlotte and I caught up on a few things. It's very nice to be with friends again. I am starting to feel very much at ease, the phrase home is where the heart is rings all to true in my ears and I feel it in every ounce of my being. Charlotte and I slipped out for some fresh air to clear our minds, which backfired into us airing out our problems with our men. I feel bad for what she's going through. It's so horrible to be left behind without her other half. I hate to see my friends in pain.

I do have a lot to think about when it comes down to Corin and I. Thanh and Charlotte have opened my eyes to a few things that need to be seriously considered before I jump into this very permanent lifestyle. As it stands I want him to leave with me and travel from place to place. He wants me to settle down in Italy and become Mary housewife I guess. It also helps nothing that almost his entire family thinks I'd better off dead then marry Cor. I have ever so much to think about and I'm lucky I have my friends here to help me along the away. Love you all dearly, I am going for a walk so I can do some thinking and possibly clear my head.