Surreal Happiness, a home to call my own

So much has happened since I spent the time to write in here last. Ok where to start, well I got vamp napped by my ex last week and almost killed. It was great fun. Not! I made it out alive thanks to Renata and her brothers but mainly her cause she's the only one who gave a shit what was going on. I got another scar from that bastard. Funny how I manage 300 some years without one damn bite mark and a couple months with Corin I manage to get 2. Whatever. So we came back home and of course Cor was freaking out but I would be too. He really wouldn't let me move much for like three whole days, it kinda sucked. I was totally going stir crazy but I really liked our alone time. We talked a lot and I didn't know he could actually talk that much, I must be rubbing off on him :). I had planned to ask him to marry me on Monday night, I had something big planned but obviously that didn't work out so I proposed to him in our room, half broken. He said yes and we set a date, June 21st, brightest day of the year. So wedding plans yay! Ren is ecstatic and so are many of our friends. There's a few of friends that are rather surprised about it though. Recently a few nomads got twitters. One named Thanh saw me at one of my concerts a few years back and remembered who I was. She thinks I'm fucking insane lol. I can't say I don't fit the bill. I was quite the um rocker before I met Corin. I'm not one to sit still and not be in the scene having a good time.

Speaking of Thanh, her and Malakai got me missing nomad life something terrible. So somehow she convinced Cor to let me go to the states for a few weeks to get a last run in before I get a leash. Ugh I hate that term. Leash. Yuck. On that note I'm going shopping with Thanh to get some things to uh make sure my man doesn't forget me while I'm in the states. I promise promise promise I will blog more. I need to get on here more I'm so sorry.

Rest in Peace My Friend 1982-2009

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Today I grieve the loss of many things. I've lost so much in this life and gained so little in comparison to show for my existence. My sorrow for Joo has quickly been replaced with resentment for her choices. Her death lays on my hands alone as it should have from the day I met her. She was the only person in my many years since Jace to truly understand me and remains the only person to know everything about me. I will truly miss her. I managed to save one life that night and though I fear I will never feel his love again I can exist knowing he is still living. I cannot express the regret I have for putting him through this and the hate he now he feels for me. The way he looked at me before he left showed me that he would never feel the same about me. I've never seen him so emotionless. He;s right I should have kept on running before and never looked back but living without a heart is more painful than living with a broken one. I am unfeeling and completely alone in this world without my heart and soul. So without a purpose I find myself wandering Europe with the one thing I have left, an odd thing for him to give me, an ipod. As I lay on our beach yesterday I heard my love behind me for the shortest fraction of a second and I turned to find the replica of the ipod we bought together when we first met. All the music from my laptop uploaded on it already and a quite a selection I'd never heard before. I planned to suffer in silence but I cannot deny music especially if it was from him, it will be the only thing that keeps me existing now as I walk through the hell I've created.

Long time no Write

Sorry I have been neglecting you lately I really do mean to write in here more often but a turn of events sent me spiraling into chaos and I just haven't had the time. So let's see 6 days ago.... ah yes I had become close to catatonic. I was feeling very... depressed I guess is the appropriate term. I was happy to be with Corin don't get me wrong but not traveling and being in a place I don't feel comfortable in took it's toll. Corin of course noticed because I was doing absolutely nothing and I'm sure I'd changed. He spent a couple days with me and with his suggestion I decided to get back into the concert circuit which I missed my band and fans dearly. I left for my show Wednesday night and I drove to Venice. I spent some time practicing with the band and went back to the hotel room with Joo. I was having a blast I won't lie. I did miss Corin deeply but it was as if I shocked myself back into life. Well I was careless and forgot my phone charger ... go figure. So after I got done with the show and the signing I headed back to the hotel to change and freshen up. I checked my email and noticed one from Cor. He went away on some super justice league retrieval mission with Demetri for Aro. I was not impressed and completely worried automatically of course. So instead of inflicting that onto a bunch of mundanes at the after party I went home and waited... and waited. Ren came over to keep me company or keep me from being stupid I'm not exactly sure. 36 hours had past and no Corin and they decide to finally go look for him... but won't let me come with. I was furious and devestated to say the least. But they found him and we talked his entire flight home and I was relieved to have him next to me again. My heart returned home to me. He insists however on doing things on his own while he is injured and I am taking care of him. Well back to duty I'll write soon I promise!

Your Mood Swings Give Me Whip Lash

I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for a week
I was drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice

I'm taking a quick break from my relaxing day with Corin to write in here quick. Easter went pretty good and it was fun to watch everyone running around throwing eggs and finding them. It was surreal though as most of my time here has been. I feel so out of place and uncomfortable. I am really mad still that I will be sentenced to stay in this house when Corin leaves, whenever that is. I've been so weirded out lately I haven't even touched my violin or piano. I just haven't felt like doing anything. I feel so confined here and again uncomfortable. When Corin's around I feel better, how could you not feel comfortable when someone loves you so much. Though I am really not worth his praise he argues inevitably. I'm sure I will adjust soon and everything will seem more normal to me. I am going to force myself to be happy until I am, I hate the way Corin looks at me like he's killed me. Maybe tomorrow will be better.... for now I'll enjoy my time with him.

Corin&Mary playlist 1

Our Playlist from 4-9-2009
hoobastank- running away
damien rice- 9 crimes
the airborne toxic event- sometime around midnight
blue october- hate me
evanascence- my immortal
hoobastank- the reason
the white strips- you don't know what love is
korn- coming undone
puddle of mudd- she hates me
black eyed peas- she hates me
linkin park- don't stay
dashboard confessional- vindicated
colbie caillat- realize
taylor swift- white horse
jonas borthers- still in love with you
sara bareilles- love song
the click five- all i need is you
salvia- rest in pieces
finger eleven- one thing
hinder- better than me
alkaline trio- help me
pony up- shut up and kiss me

We'll never have to wonder if we missed out on each other

I know that this is strange & new
I'm like a girl that's just like you
So just calm down & don't resist
I can't be soft enough to kiss.
Yeah i'm precious
Yeah i'm cute
Just pat my head & keep on moving
Going home, you won't miss me
I don't care shut up & kiss me

As you know by now I took off yesterday. Yes I am the girl who left the nicest person on earth. I was just sitting there at Ren's going over and over in my head on how this was right and wrong and I'll be ok but I just couldn't grasp it. Then Siobhan talking about me being part of the guard? Wait I didn't sign up for that! Then he called me a Volturi and I just lost it. What? Yes I lost it, Mary lost her poor little mind and exploded. In a split second I knew I didn't want to spend my life living a lie and if I didn't run now I would hurt him more. He could get over me it had been a week I didn't make that much of an impact. I stopped at the house and left him what was his and grabbed my violin and a change of clothes. I left a note and told him he'd always have my heart. He would always be it's keeper and told him I was sorry. I left him my armband (I've worn that everyday for 200 years) and the ring.

So I ran... I ran 600 miles away and when I stopped I let it all out and told mother nature everything. Then I sobbed tearless sobs because it took 3 seconds to realize I had made the hardest decision of an eterenity. Who was I to judge love? Love is stupid and he was stupid for loving a girl he thought he could fix and I'm stupid for not being tamed and loving a boy who was everything I should stay away from. He's too good for me. I text messaged Renata and asked how he was doing. She told he wasn't alright and he wasn't talking to anyone. I needed to see him for myself I needed to see if he was ok so I ran back. I climbed my favorite tree outside of our home and watched him through those big windows. I wanted to steal his pain and stop his suffering. Renata asked me why. Like I could tell her and make her understand! She told me he deserved an explanation from me. Right like I was going to walk right in there and be like "Hunny I'm home" what a crock! I went for a walk in Volterra and long behold Ren and Siv find me and bring me back. Corin and I had been subtely talking at this point, since I'm emotionally handicapped I started to send him music and he sent me some right back. We were communicating quite well when Ren showed up.

We talked and we screamed at each other and we argued and we talked. In the end he was right it all came down to he loves me and if it wasn't enough for me to stay then I should leave. At that exact moment I just decided to give up. What's the point in trying to run from him? I'm not spending an eternity in a tree! So we're not engaged *shudder* and we're working it out slowly because when it comes down to it in the end all we want is each other no matter how stupid we are. I promise I won't run again unless he asks me to.