Your Mood Swings Give Me Whip Lash

I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for a week
I was drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice

I'm taking a quick break from my relaxing day with Corin to write in here quick. Easter went pretty good and it was fun to watch everyone running around throwing eggs and finding them. It was surreal though as most of my time here has been. I feel so out of place and uncomfortable. I am really mad still that I will be sentenced to stay in this house when Corin leaves, whenever that is. I've been so weirded out lately I haven't even touched my violin or piano. I just haven't felt like doing anything. I feel so confined here and again uncomfortable. When Corin's around I feel better, how could you not feel comfortable when someone loves you so much. Though I am really not worth his praise he argues inevitably. I'm sure I will adjust soon and everything will seem more normal to me. I am going to force myself to be happy until I am, I hate the way Corin looks at me like he's killed me. Maybe tomorrow will be better.... for now I'll enjoy my time with him.

Corin&Mary playlist 1

Our Playlist from 4-9-2009
hoobastank- running away
damien rice- 9 crimes
the airborne toxic event- sometime around midnight
blue october- hate me
evanascence- my immortal
hoobastank- the reason
the white strips- you don't know what love is
korn- coming undone
puddle of mudd- she hates me
black eyed peas- she hates me
linkin park- don't stay
dashboard confessional- vindicated
colbie caillat- realize
taylor swift- white horse
jonas borthers- still in love with you
sara bareilles- love song
the click five- all i need is you
salvia- rest in pieces
finger eleven- one thing
hinder- better than me
alkaline trio- help me
pony up- shut up and kiss me

We'll never have to wonder if we missed out on each other

I know that this is strange & new
I'm like a girl that's just like you
So just calm down & don't resist
I can't be soft enough to kiss.
Yeah i'm precious
Yeah i'm cute
Just pat my head & keep on moving
Going home, you won't miss me
I don't care shut up & kiss me

As you know by now I took off yesterday. Yes I am the girl who left the nicest person on earth. I was just sitting there at Ren's going over and over in my head on how this was right and wrong and I'll be ok but I just couldn't grasp it. Then Siobhan talking about me being part of the guard? Wait I didn't sign up for that! Then he called me a Volturi and I just lost it. What? Yes I lost it, Mary lost her poor little mind and exploded. In a split second I knew I didn't want to spend my life living a lie and if I didn't run now I would hurt him more. He could get over me it had been a week I didn't make that much of an impact. I stopped at the house and left him what was his and grabbed my violin and a change of clothes. I left a note and told him he'd always have my heart. He would always be it's keeper and told him I was sorry. I left him my armband (I've worn that everyday for 200 years) and the ring.

So I ran... I ran 600 miles away and when I stopped I let it all out and told mother nature everything. Then I sobbed tearless sobs because it took 3 seconds to realize I had made the hardest decision of an eterenity. Who was I to judge love? Love is stupid and he was stupid for loving a girl he thought he could fix and I'm stupid for not being tamed and loving a boy who was everything I should stay away from. He's too good for me. I text messaged Renata and asked how he was doing. She told he wasn't alright and he wasn't talking to anyone. I needed to see him for myself I needed to see if he was ok so I ran back. I climbed my favorite tree outside of our home and watched him through those big windows. I wanted to steal his pain and stop his suffering. Renata asked me why. Like I could tell her and make her understand! She told me he deserved an explanation from me. Right like I was going to walk right in there and be like "Hunny I'm home" what a crock! I went for a walk in Volterra and long behold Ren and Siv find me and bring me back. Corin and I had been subtely talking at this point, since I'm emotionally handicapped I started to send him music and he sent me some right back. We were communicating quite well when Ren showed up.

We talked and we screamed at each other and we argued and we talked. In the end he was right it all came down to he loves me and if it wasn't enough for me to stay then I should leave. At that exact moment I just decided to give up. What's the point in trying to run from him? I'm not spending an eternity in a tree! So we're not engaged *shudder* and we're working it out slowly because when it comes down to it in the end all we want is each other no matter how stupid we are. I promise I won't run again unless he asks me to.

Screw Twitter

Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away?
Will you make me your wife?

I apologize that it has taken me so long to blog but the past few days have been crazy, complex, wonderful, frightening and to put it simple: amazing. As many of you know I've been with Corin Legard and we have had romantic interests in each other to put it blandly. We've been up and down. I've of course been in and out deciding if Italy is actually the place for me and convincing myself I'm not betraying anyone.

The other night we went over to Ren and Santi's house and showed Santiago how sadistic I really am with a xbox. We were having a blast, it was so fun! Somehow stripping came up and then a Volturi men strip club and after I kicked Santiago's ass I decided to ask Corin what the hell was he thinking. We bantered a bit then he got all serious and threw a song at me called Marry Me talking about claims over each others body and mumbling and then when I realized what he was insinuating and not saying I went into shock. I finally got him to say it and he effing asked me to marry him! He even had a freaking ring! WTF? Like my head wasn't in a complex already I mean it's been a freaking week. I moved into a house wasn't that enough oh no just had to get that final hook in Mary to make sure she doesn't leave. *growl* I had to stay perfectly still and silent so I didn't run before I calmed down completely. I mean really you can't do this stuff to me! I made him look me in the eye and tell me (we sat down first to make sure I couldn't go anywhere without thinking first) when he looked at me I could tell that he was all I needed in this world and that I would never love someone like I love him. I said Yes. We've been to the opera and all over each other all the time haha. So now... I'm at Ren's decorating for guests while she's cleaning up other rooms. It has given me some time to think now that he is away from me for awhile.

I'm so afraid right now I feel like I'm suffocating and I don't even breath! I want to run for 300 miles and just fall over onto the ground. So I'm just trying not to think about it but when you announce it on Twitter and you have a flashy ring on your finger it's hard not to pay attention. I'm so confused... I'm not me this is not me. I wouldn't sleep with the enemy let alone marry him and just hop right into the Volturi family "Hi guys it's me CRAZY MARY wanna be my friend? ooo You're shiny and pretty we should get married!" I feel nausea coming on again. Slow taking this very slow especially since Renata talked me out of eloping. I'm going to go finish the rooms up and maybe talk to Ren about it some more.(not like she hasn't heard enough of me the past few days)

What in the hell just happened?

I can't run away boy
I can't run away
I'm telling you I can't run away
From what I am feeling
Feeling baby I can't run away
I think I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna love you
Until I can't love you no more

I'm a damn fool. Falling in love again, with a Volturi guard no less. We spent all day and night talking to each other yesterday. He can do this thing where he just pops up wherever he wants to go and its rather quite frightening but I'm starting to feel a bit more at ease with it. We went to a beach in Sicily and we built sandcastles, made a memory with that one I've never built one before. We walked and I swam in my undergarments ha! But it was just a beach and it was just the sea it would have been nothing without him and that silly girl. We kissed and rolled in the sand. He asked me in a roundabout way if I wanted to stay here, if I wanted to stay with him. He did tell me his duty is to the guard first and he is tied to Volterra for an eternity so he can't travel as much, he can't give me the attention I need, and the relationship I need whatever the hell that means. I told him I'm not going anywhere right now. Now after another night with him I'm staying at his flat (Renata and Santiago are currently at war over shoes and cellophaned cars) he's giving me his bedroom and pretty much let me move right into his life with no questions asked. We talked about some of the harder stuff, he asked about Randall, I told him most of the story and left it as he got mean and left he doesn't need to hear that I don't want to think it. We talked about the Forks fiasco and he told me he would've protected me from his family would've we gone into battle. I think Felix would've had me in pieces with two quick swipes before Corin knew I existed. The rest was pleasant talk and he held me and I won't lie that it is the best thing I've felt since I was human.

Now here is where my head kicks in and confuses me telling me what a fool I am. My history with love hasn't been the best and I mean though the most recent was the worse it wasn't the first time I loved someone. I came into this world holding on to someone I loved, who loved me for me the only one that loved me besides Jace. What does this mean to him? Collin died in that alleyway just as I should have! I'm not supposed to do this! I told myself I wouldn't do this, I promised myself. I mean a Volturi guard? I was raised to hide from the law not embrace it. If they had the first idea of how I acted when I was made, no idea of rules I was supposed to be obeying. How would he feel if he knew how I acted? How would his father feel? Would he turn his head down as they judged me and I was sentenced to die for my newborn crimes? You won't hear me asking him. He looks at me like I'm everything when I'm nothing. I don't understand how I can be so special to him. And will I just sit in a house day in and out till we all disappear. Will I be considered Volturi? Can I stop performing music all over the world? I can do that... yeah I can do that no one can take music away from me whether it be performing to the world or the mirror I can be satisfied with either. But stay still? I know I always wanted to just settle down but can I settle down? I hate anything permanent any kind of real commitment, can I just stay? I know I can't leave him right now, he seems to need me just as much as I need him. I feel like I'm sucking the happiness right out of him like a drug. Being emotionally handicapped doesn't help either, I can't express one damn word effectively when I want to. He probably thinks I'm a silly giggling crazy fool of a girl, hmph I sure do.

Love is the hardest drug to quit, but it is even harder when it is taken away.

If I could reach out to you
Nothing will stop me
Take your head in my hands
Tell me what would you do
Your voice sounds like a lullaby
Is my heart this time to keep?
Is my heart to keep?

Right now I'm sitting in Italy of all places in Renata Scutto's farmhouse trying to make sense of my head again. 2 days ago I was in London visiting old shops and performing the leg end of my tour in front of 3000 people and out of nowhere I decide to join Twitter and talked to a boy no not a boy a Volturi Guard. I go running to Italy to meet him and his lovely sister and here I sit head over heels again for a vampire, when will I learn? I mean honestly how times can I allow my heart to be broken because I am a fool? Well I've given up trying to stop my heart from taking these leaps, it doesn't stop it I just end up hurting myself. He seems so nice and he's such a gentleman but who from our time wasn't? Ugh he may not even like me he may just be flirting or just being nice. I guess I'll have to let it just play out.... Well Corin you've made me fall I just hope you catch me.